Harry Potter: As Told By My 9-Year Old Cousin

So, my little cousin has never read Harry Potter, and she’s seen maybe one of the movies so…her knowledge of the series is so limited it becomes hilarious. Here is the typed-up version of her account:

Black – Me

Blue – Her

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Book 1:

• Title: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (originally she said Chamber of Secrets but she quickly corrected herself).
• Harry’s parents are divorced.
• They don’t like Harry so they make him do chores.
• One day he follows the house elf into the closet.
• He finds *hand motion before remembering the word* Hogwarts
• Then he has to live under the stairs.
• They travel with magic dust through the chimney to the town.
• Harry finds an owl.

Book 2:

• Title: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
• They’re going to this place and i think that he goes to the basement and finds a mirror and see people on the other side who are not next to him.
• And they are trapped inside.
• Harry has to get them out.

Book 3:

• Title: Ron throws up slugs.
• Ron throws up a lot like, playing quidditch in high school.
• They have to defeat these people in quidditch.

Book 4:

• She knows nothing.

Book 5- 7:

• Nothing
• Nothing
• Nothing

Questions:

• What are people with magic called? Sorcerers
• Who are the important characters? Hermoine, Harry Potter, Ron, “Guys with horse legs”, the owl, and no one else.
• What’s the name of the school? She forgot the name Hogwarts.
• Who gets together? Hermoine and Ron but I don’t like it.
• Why? Hermoine and Harry Potter forever.
• How do you play quidditch? You get on a broom. And it flies. Then, there are a lot of people on either team. And then, so, like, there is this flying ball and you have to try and hit it into the goal with your wand. Everyone is from a different school.
• Do you know anything else? Well its kind of like Belle because in Belle they have like brooms and stuff that move.
• What do you know about the houses? Hufflepuff, Gryfindor, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw? A hufflepuff is really nice, caring and loves you, and is loyal. A gryfindor is kind of “eh” (so-so). A slytherin hates you no matter what and is not nice is vicious and bites you and hurts you (opposite of a hufflepuff). Ravenclaw, isn’t that like Hermoine’s pet? It’s technically a raven. (She thought they were animals).
• What about the sorting hat? So its this hat, and it talks to Harry and freaks him out. It helps him.
• How’s the villain? Harry’s father I’m pretty sure. He wants to commit suicide. He wants Harry to join evil. No, that’s the plot of Star Wars.
• What to they drink? Root beer floats or beer. After a minute: BUTTERBEER, BUTTERBEER ITS BUTTERBEER.
• What happens at Gringotts? The pig guy they torture him. The evil lady shocks everyone. There is this other dude he’s bad too, and an evil dragon.

Conversation After:

• Wow, you know nothing and really need to read the books.
• Yeah but my sister doesn’t let me.

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Yeah… I have failed as a cousin because she knows nothing and actually ships Harry and Hermoine. I have failed. FAILED.

I would comment on each of the things she said but honestly, I think they speak for themselves.

Let me know if you liked this, and what your favorite mistakes were, because honestly, this was just too hilarious not to write about.