Always have some impact on your life. You may not have been innocent, even at that age, but you were naïve enough to believe in things like dreams.
Like fairytales.
Like happy endings.
Like second chances.
Like family.
They say your childhood gives insight to who you will be in life.
It was a game.
I won.
I killed Sirius black…he fell through the mirror.
You’re still playing your games.
But its life and deaths.
Some twenty odd years later, long after they were all dead, most would find it difficult to believe that these five were family.
Brothers.
Sisters.
Cousins.
That they grew up together.
Stuck with each other threw thick and thin.
That they were once innocent.
Naïve.
Friends.
Perhaps even loved each other.
Helped each other.
Believed that blood was truly thicker than water.
And maybe it was at some point.
But things changed as they grew older.
Or maybe they were the ones that changed.
Hope and fear control and corrupt.
Or maybe they just started to understand.
Or maybe they never truly did.
They all had those dark and light pieces.
Angels and demons.
The lines began to blur.
And they ended up on different sides.
At that age they never imagined being on opposite sides.
Not having each other’s backs.
Not teasing and fighting and joking around.
Sneaking out and doing dares.
Seeing how far you could push until you fell.
How far the rules bent before they broke.
Finding loopholes and slipping through the cracks.
You know all their tricks.
Problem is, they know all of yours.
Sirius always played the rebel.
Andromeda the blood traitor.
Bellatrix the dictator.
The heiress of the Black name.
Narcissa and Regulus caught in the middle.
Sirius was always the loud one.
Breaking rules and pushing boundaries.
The one with the temper.
The one with the questions.
The one with the defiance.
The one brave enough to break away.
Andromeda was the smart one.
The middle sister, yet older cousin.
The kind one.
The logical one.
The one that was just a bit to shy and scared to rebel out right.
Bellatrix was always the one that believed in those things.
But she always loved power.
Being in charge.
And was just a bit insane.
Maybe she went mad with grief.
Narcissa couldn’t bear to lose her family.
She was the youngest.
The one to be protected.
She was fragile.
She already got her heart shattered once.
Regulus realized and regretted to late.
He did everything to go against his brother.
And realized too late his brother wasn’t coming back to help him out anymore.
But he was good in the end.
If only just.
But some innocence and sorrow was there.
A remorse.
The conviction that you will end up on the same side.
A deviance.
A choice.
A road to chose.
A path to follow.
One chance.
It’s a nice summer day. Bella is 9. Andy is 8. Sirius is 6. Regulus is 4. Narcissa is 3. They’re all at Grimmauld place. All just kids. All still innocent. All still friends. All still family. Though not for long. The cracks start as school starts. Life tears them apart as well as love and war. Some cracks leave scar to deep to heal.
They’re playing a game, ‘mudblood’. Two of them would be deemed mudbloods. One a half-blood. And two purebloods. The rules changed by the minute though the object of the game rarely did. The purebloods had to persuade the half-blood or half-bloods that muggles were horrible and the muggle-borns had to get the purebloods locked in Azkaban.
That day was like a prophecy. It practically wrote out history. Perhaps fate was just that cruel. Sirius and Andy were the blood traitors/mudbloods, as they would grow to be. Narcrissa and Regulus the half-bloods. Stuck in the middle. Bella the pureblood.
Bella and Sirius were arguing. Another common assurance. Andy was not defending Sirius as she was angry with him for crossing her sister for the most trivial things causing the escalating fight. Narcrissa and Regulus watch on. And Bella pushes Sirius, he falls back, laughter on his lips, through the mirror. And Bella grins and laughs though shock and sorrow are seen in her eyes. Sirius was getting Andy out of the line of fire. His guard down, he fell. Leaving shattered glass fragments stained with his blood.
Their parents rush in. Fix up Sirius. Fix the mirror, though you could still see the cracks, like scars, and a bloody heart. The hurt visible in Sirius’ eyes. The regret in Bella’s, though neither will nor have shone it. It was unspoken. Sorry, thank you, you are forgiven. Forget. Move on. An unspoken rule. The only one they all followed. And the one they still do.
Years later and the same words echo on your lips.
“It was a game. I won. I killed Sirius Black…he fell through the mirror.”
His laughter still on your lips.
A sorry in your eyes.
Forgiveness in his.
Tears shining in both.
Bridges long burned spurning up new hurt and guilt.
Hearts broken.
Years later no matter how you deny it, your still family.
You never stopped.
The unspoken rule stayed.
Silent conversations.
Sorry.
I understand.
Forgiven.
Forget it.
Thank you.
Welcome.
Your heart shatters like the glass.
You all remember the games.
But you were just tempting fate.
You never thought it would end this way.
This time no one comes back to life.
No way to reverse roles…
You’re still playing your games.
But its life and deaths…
For real this time.
It’s funny how people forget, they were a family once upon a time. That doesn’t change just because they fell to different sides.
Family is not only those whose blood you share, family is your friends as well.
Those who you care for, and care for you.
Thick as thieves.
Friends for life.
Who will always be with you no matter what.
But family isn’t only the ones you love unconditionally.
Remember blood is thicker than water.
You know the truth.
You grew up with them.
They weren’t always evil.
They were your friends.
Your brother and cousins.
Your family.
As kids you were always on the same side.
Defending and covering for each other.
Messing with your parents, playing pranks and sneaking out.
But things change.
Funny how growing up seems to erase everything else.
As you grow up you start to learn things.
Things aren’t all black and white.
You didn’t know what would happen.
You didn’t understand.
You chose your path and they chose their paths.
Nothing you can do.
But try to remember, try for some reconciliation.
Because this time, instead of fighting others on the same side, you’re fighting against each other.
You know all their tricks, but they know all of yours too.
Remember Sirius Black?
The white sheep of a black family.
The Gryffindor.
Friend of the blood traitor potter and mudblood Evans?
You didn’t always hate him.
He was your friend.
Your cousin.
Your brother.
Your ally.
Your teammate.
You might have even loved him.
Time changes circumstances, but does it really change people?
Easier to hate him, then to regret letting him go.
Regret not following him.
Remember little Regulas?
The pride and joy of the Blacks?
Your little brother.
Your little cousin.
Your best friend.
The one you protected.
The one you cared for.
The one you helped though your childhood.
The one you left behind?
Well he was good wasn’t he?
To bad you didn’t see it.
But it was a long time coming.
To late to regret not bringing him along.
Remember cousin Andromeda?
The traitor?
Slytherin oh sure but fell for the Hufflepuff mudblood?
With little freaky Nymphadora for a daughter?
To late to regret not watching out for your little sisters, all lost in your world.
To late to regret watching her slip away.
To late to regret not telling her you loved her, to say sorry, that you never held on.
That you never defended her or followed when you had the chance.
That you never visited or saw your little niece.
That you left her behind thinking you’d gone bad.
Remember crazy Bellatrix?
She was your little sister.
Your cousin.
A bit rough around the edges but loyal all the same.
Your protector, your friend.
The one that drove you crazy but loved anyway.
She didn’t always hate you.
She might have even loved you.
But too late, so sad, you missed your chance.
And she’s oh-so gone for good.
No turning back.
It was easier to pretend you hated her than to have your heart break all over again.
Maybe that’s why she tortured her old friends, to forget.
To push away the memories…
Remember dear old little Narcissa?
The smallest and youngest.
Defenseless.
All left behind.
She never wanted this road but was scared and in love.
She would do anything to hold her family together.
She already lost one…she couldn’t lose another.
All grown up and forgotten.
Maybe that’s why she wanted to forget.
Like it never happened.
Like it never hurt.
To hurt them like they hurt her.
Maybe that’s why she never told Draco.
Didn’t want him to hurt.
But to late, secrets out and nothing can save you.
No one’s left.
Your all torn apart like you were never family.
But try as hard as you might.
Your bound by blood.
Thick as thieves and thicker then water.
Hurts to forget but even more to remember.
You can run and pretend and say what you want but your still family.
And really you wish you still were.
Family isn’t only the ones whose blood you share, but it’s still a part of it.
No matter how far gone you are.
Your bound by blood.
Whether you like it or not.
You lost your family once already. Had your heart torn out. You made the wrong choice. But you did it for love. One that won’t end in madness or grief. Far easier to hate than love. You weren’t evil. But you’d always been a little actress. Somehow you even convinced yourself along the way. You forgot, and only now you remember how bad it hurts to fall. Like that muggle nursery rhyme you heard your cousin singing so long ago. Ashes, ashes, your finally fell down…
Narcrissa Black was the youngest of the five. She was the pride and joy. She had mastered the art of acting and faking by the time she was three. It became natural. All pureblood, grey eyes and blond hair. You learned that speaking out got you in trouble. So you never asked questions. Never said you thought it wrong. Or didn’t really understand or agree. You were the fragile one. The one that had them wrapped around your little finger.
Bellatrix went off to Hogwarts first. Slytherin through and through. Perhaps a bit mad. But a pride and joy. Then Andromeda left. Cloaked in snakeskin green. Though she seemed a bit sorrowed at it. You never told. But you saw her breaking away. And it scared you. So, you clung and she left you behind.
Sirius went of to Gryffindor. The only one. He was white not Black you thought. He was the one to disagree and argue. You saw what came with it. Disowned. Blasted off the tapestry. But he had the muggle-borns and blood-traitors. You never really liked the term mudblood…
Regulus fought against his brother. He always wanted attention. But he turned traitor and died for it. Not that you were supposed to know. Not that you were supposed to mourn. Or to try and reconcile with Andy. Tell her not every was evil. You knew Sirius was innocent too. You knew him well. But you never told. Locked up your heart so it wouldn’t shatter. Not again. Still bared hidden scars.
You went off to Hogwarts and were Slytherin. Like your sisters. Like Regulus. You acted like it too. A part of you wanted to be sorted else where. Follow your cousin. Or perhaps be like Andy. But you were always the scared little actress and you played your part so well for so long you didn’t know were you ended and the role started. You became the thing you despised. Not that you acknowledged the fact you cared. That you cared far to much. You still swear to this day the sorting hat knew. The sorting hat had said you would have a choice to make. That your heart would guide you. Cryptic riddles. Riddle. Perhaps you imagined it. But it planted that worry in your head. A tether. Not that you acted on it. You denied your heart for so long it was almost natural.
But then you fell and fell hard. For one of the ones you despised. A pureblood. All blond hair and grey eyes. A year above you. And you think your heart just might heal. That you could still salvage and cling to the last bits of love in hope left in your heart. That you’d have a family again. Then you grow up and get married and have a choice to make. The one you’ve been skirting around all your life. And you use your heart. Your still not sure if it was that little angel or devil from muggle cartoons that guided you. But you would do anything to protect your son. Narcrissa Black became Narcrissa Malfoy. Bad faith. You didn’t have to pretend anymore. You dug yourself far to deep to climb out. Not without telling. Not without ripping out your own heart…
When Draco makes Slytherin your happy. And that scares you. Thinking of what happened in your sorting. What the sorting hat said… but the past is the past and should be laid to rest. So you put on the mask and think it’s getting far to easy to be evil. The dark mark tingling. But you forget your heart and your doubts and forget your playing a part. A game. You don’t know the rules. You don’t hold the cards. But you act like you do and you start to believe it. Your fall from grace.
You start to judge. You care for the pureblood standing. Ignore your family. Only Bellatrix was worthy. She scared you as a child but you acted as if she didn’t. she wasn’t in control anymore. You lost sight of that tether. Your heart encased in ice. Walls built up around it. After all. Your Narcrissa. Pureblood. All blond hair and grey eyes. With the world at your feet. The cards in the palm of your hand. The mask fits in place and doesn’t fall. You start to forget. It’s natural. You even start to believe…
Then the Potter boy frees that house elf and you think that it’s something Regulus would have done. But it hurts to think of him and it drags up bad memories, so you stop and stick your nose in the air. You act like you don’t care. Convince yourself you don’t. Somehow, it’s getting far easier…
Then Sirius escapes Azkaban and you think about how you swear he’s innocent and that something must be going on. How he must have escaped because it. You remember how he’s Potter’s godfather and you tell Draco. You’re still not sure if it was your heart telling him so Har-Potter could learn the truth. Or if it was the mask, the one you believe and that fits so well, telling him to give Potter hell. Then you learn that your cousin’s old friend Lupin, the werewolf, is taking over the defense post and you nearly laugh at the irony before you remember you’re supposed to hate him now. You don’t know why you don’t tell Draco. Maybe some part of you is still loyal to that unspoken rule of your childhood. No one questions you. You can breathe again. The current sweeps you away. You’re getting to deep. You’ve lost the way back. Finally took the fall from grace. But the tether long forgotten still clings you to the edge. If only just.
Then the Quidditch world cup rolls around and you cheer quietly as you did as a child and remember how obsessed Regulus was as a seeker and Sirius as a beater. Then you see Potter and the Weasley’s and that Granger girl and you stick your nose in the air and push away the aches of your heart. Of the painful memories long suppressed. You really don’t know where you stand really. Never truly did. You never admit defeat easy and you take it in a stride. You were still in control. Still had the world at your fingertips. A word that was tipping slightly…
Then the dark lord rises and you learn Pettigrew is alive and it all just clicks into place. How your cousin’s friend framed and betrayed him. The animagus forms, how Sirius escaped. But you stay loyal and act as if you don’t recognize him and feel the mark burn with not quite enough intensity to erase the bleeding ache of your heart… your beginning to understand though you keep the denial. You couldn’t lose your family again. You keep the façade…
Then Bellatrix kills Sirius and you force yourself to cheer and laugh and ignore the regret and guilt and sorrow and pretend you don’t see the fractured, grief filled regret in your eldest sisters eyes or the pain and remorse in your other sisters. You cry yourself to sleep that night. You never let anyone see a trace of the tears. Nor have you ever. Poor fragile Narcrissa finally had to be strong…
Then your son is in danger and it threatens to tear your heart out. It’s not fair and you’re about to finally lose it. About to break. Then your niece you never met marries the werewolf and Severus kills Dumbledore. He saves your son. You know his loyalties always lied with Lily Evans and still did. But he had a chance. You never really did.
Then the war begins and the battles rage and you cling to your family like you always have. You try vainly to protect your son and you finally understand what the sorting hat said all those years ago. You save Potter life. Repay your son’s life debt. You find it fitting. Potter could destroy the dark lord. Save your son. You finally found your tether. Made the right choice. Even if it took you this long… and you learn that all your cousin’s friends had finally died. None lived to the end of the war. Your niece as well. But her son and your son and you sister Andy was still alive. You were redeemed and had your family and lived. You didn’t have to break your heart again…
And it seemed a little like that old muggle nursery rhyme Sirius used to sing to annoy Bella. You find it fits your life a bit to well. Because you burned all the bridges and wore a mask only to finally fall into what you’d been fighting. You were on the fence and fell and didn’t know which side you landed on until now… you finally got your happy ending. And truth be told you didn’t even now anymore. Because pretending may be easier but remembering was better. If bittersweet and hurtful. But you’re far to used to the aches and scars and marks to care. You’ve just been playing a game. Finally time to see if you’re going to win or lose.
Ring around the rosés
You’ve been twirling in circles far to long.
A pocket full of posies
Full of memories and regret you swear you don’t feel
Ashes, ashes we all fall down
The bridges burned and you were left scared.
You fell like you swore you never would.
Like all your family before.
And still don’t know which side of the fence your on.
It was oddly fitting you realize.
What destroyed you?
Also, saved you.
And it was a bittersweet ending.
But you never believed in fairytales…
Once upon a time you might have walked along the same road, together. But you didn’t get a happy ever after, because the path split and you all went different ways. And now years later you meet again. Stuck at crossroads. Trying as hard as you can to forget. Because you all think you’re on the side that’s going to win… but didn’t no one ever told you, did they? Life isn’t fair…
Once upon a time, when you were just little you might have been best friends. You were brothers, sisters, cousins… you were on the same side. You helped each other. Made mistakes and fixed them. Shining silver and black as midnight when you needed to be. Family. Thick and thin. You didn’t understand at all. Not the choices. Not the consequences. Not anything…
Didn’t know the defining lines. Or that family could hate and kill. The true colors of evil, lurking in the shadows… But bloods thicker than water. Isn’t it? You don’t really hate them. They weren’t truly evil. But can’t let anyone know that can you? Don’t act like you understand. Or like you just don’t care.
You loved each other once. Best of friends. You still don’t get it. But you still can’t hate. You’ve always been good actors and actresses… I’m at a payphone trying to call home All of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong Where are the plans we made for two?
Your still trying to make sense and build your walls back together. You don’t know why. But you’ve spent your life all hung up and stuck on trying to fix the mistakes of the past. Now there’s nothing left. You know better than to try but you still don’t know the reason why… times past, now everything’s changed. Different. And it isn’t right. But you can you do. No more the five Blacks. No more us. No more plans. Just ‘hate’ and silent confusion. You’ve moved on they think. But you think they have too…
Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember,
The people we used to be…
It’s even harder to picture,
That you’re not here next to me.
You’ve never been wallflowers. You never will. You all thrive in limelight. But the harder you try to forget the good. The harder it is to remember why your trying too forgets in the first place. You’re not the kids you used to be. But it’s still hard to believe you’re on different sides of the fence now… not the dream team anymore. Never again. You can’t. Too late. You all made your choices and have to live with it. Or die for it.
You say it’s too late to make it, But is it too late to try? And in our time that you wasted All of our bridges burned down
Too late to be friends again. Too late to turn the tides. They say it won’t be worth it, to rip your heart out. But why wouldn’t you try? Family doesn’t give up on each other. But you’ve denied being family. You wasted your time. They wasted theirs. Your stupid, noble, stubborn pride can’t let you see mistakes and just say sorry. But it never has. You burned down bridges just so you wouldn’t be tempted to cross. Now you pay the price. Sacrifice.
I’ve wasted my nights, You turned out the lights Now I’m paralyzed, Still stuck in that time, When we called it love, But even the sun sets in paradise
You did it. You killed him. He left you behind. You might find a way to make amends but you never said goodbye, sorry, good luck. Or maybe you did once? Too late now. Bittersweet it is. Now you just sealed your fate. But you don’t think you’re all going to live through the war. In fact only two did. You cried your self to sleep. Maybe that’s how you went insane. The madness of guilt. Something to fill the aching hole you swear isn’t your heart. But the lights gone out and only now you see the spark. “I’m sorry, it’s alright, family loves each other” all the things you want to say die on your lips. Paralyzed with realization. Still stuck on when it was love rather than hate that binned you… the world ends and starts. The sun will always rise again. But you won’t ever hear his laugh.
I’m at a payphone trying to call home All of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong Where are the plans we made for two?
Your still stuck on memories. Still crying your eyes out. Still trying to find a way through the looking glass; without breaking the mirror. Looking for the heart underneath the lies. Lost it all. Brought up walls. Watched them fall. No one knows the truth, but you. Did it for love. For fear. For family. And only now you see. The truth and consequences hidden. There’s always a price to pay. A way to trip and fall. You fall the way you lean. Be careful secrets don’t tip you the wrong way. Too late you learn the hard lessons. It’s dead, it’s gone, and it won’t come back. Time to time, turn it back, it won’t work. You’re not together anymore. Separate lives. Different lines.
If “Happy Ever After” did exist, I would still be holding you like this All those fairy tales are full of it. One more stupid love song, I’ll be sick
No such thing as childhood fantasies. All up in your head. Stuck in wonderland. Wishing for neverland. Magic can’t fix your problems in this world. Not really. Just a game. With rules you can’t figure out. Were the enemy holds the cards. Just a strung up puppet. Holding on to strings, lest you fall and shatter. Fairytales never come true. Love songs just set you up to fall. But it’s not that kind of story. It’s one you’ve never heard before. But you swear you know the ending. And you don’t like it one bit.
Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow ‘Cause you forgot yesterday. I gave you my love to borrow, But you just gave it away.
You didn’t think about the future. You’re trying to forget the past. You still loved them, they loved you too. But you all acted like you didn’t care. Now you’ve all got broken hearts. All your faults. Pushing to a breaking point. Insane and locked away. Run as fast as you can. Ignore and annoy. Not friends (anymore) but family by blood yes.
You can’t expect me to be fine,
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down
You don’t expect them to be okay with it. But they don’t really think you care anymore. You’re not okay. They don’t care, at least not that they admit, even to themselves. You’ve said it a million times but you burnt every bridge to get where you are. It doesn’t hurt as much. At least you don’t believe it does…fake it long enough and maybe you’ll believe it. Everyone else already does…
I’ve wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise
You’ve wasted your time. The lights are all turned off. No where to turn. No where to hide. You can’t run away forever. But you can try. You’re frozen in fear and shock. Still stuck on the past. When you were best friends. When you were family. When love binned you, not hate or lies. Prejudices kill. Even the sweetest things are turned bitter with time. It was a bittersweet moment. No more pretending. But no more family. No more chances. The clocks run out. Tick tock. Game over. You’ve lost. No such thing as paradise.
I’m at a payphone trying to call home All of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong Where are the plans we made for two?
You’re trying to get back but your pushing it all away. Trying to hold on but making yourself forgets. It never works. That times all gone. You got your choices wrong. Too late now. You’re at crossroads now. The plans fell through. Just like they always did. It never worked when you were all together, why would it when your divided. Fighting sides. Opposite sides of the war. Best friends to enemies. You don’t know how this story ends. And you have a feeling you won’t like it. It breaks your heart. But you can’t have one. Through the roof like all your plans. But this time it’s life and death. For real.
If “Happy Ever After” did exist, I would still be holding you like this All those fairy tales are full of it. One more stupid love song, I’ll be sick Now I’m at a payphone
No such thing as happy ever after. Fairytales don’t exist. You’re still holding on. You still can’t get over it. Those stories are all full of it, they’re not real. They’re all ghosts of truths lurking in the shadows. Twisted to give a happy ending to a horrible brokenhearted tale. But you know better. If you hear another stupid love song your going to scream. It was going to kill you. Tearing at your very soul. No way back now. You’ll learn to live with it. Or die for it. You missed your chance. You’re stuck at crossroads. Too late. Wrong way…
RiverMoose-Reads 